Tuesday, June 19, 2012

When we focus on our failures

I've been looking the other way. For months. At what point does a writer quit scribbling in journals? Quit tapping words into blank spaces? Even now, I can barely make these fingers move. I sat for ten minutes just waiting to open my online home. Why?

Somewhere along the way I told myself that this blog was an utter failure.

That no one was reading. That I was too busy. That the change I thought could take place in people's lives by seeing life in a different way, a way I hoped to show people through my writing, wasn't happening.

Ironically, this sticky place has occurred in the most interesting time of my life, when helping others write has actually become my career. A career I love.

For the longest time, I asked God if I was a writer.

"Do you really want me to write?" 
"Will anyone even care about what I say?"
 "Will they just see me or will they really see You?

After a while, I quit listening to His answer and answered for myself.

"No, no one is listening. No one cares. No, you are not a writer."

And for six months, I have actually been dream grieving. In the six months that I have taken off from writing, a piece of me withered. This morning, I decided to look up. And to pick up my hands and write. I wrote despite my feelings.

I wrote about a crazed pixie Senior who wanted to beat me up when I was a freshman in high school. I wrote about love never realized, and another never meant to be. I wrote about school dances and being a gosh darn Sasquatch as I watched everyone get a slow dance but me. Okay, okay, a pity party of school dances past- I know, I know.  I wrote a partial script. A scrap of a book series.

The point is, I wrote. As I wrote, my words blossomed. And this withered flower drank in a little piece of freedom. Freedom from the fear of failure and all its' thug friends.

When we focus on our failures, we freeze.


Charity said...

Not that you need to hear it from me, but you are a writer. And this post did encourage me to take a second look at how I've been talking to myself this week. Blogging has felt a little futile after such a long break, and I can relate to a good bit of your disillusionment. So, thanks for being transparent and for sharing that truth.

Also, yay for new words! Hoping those bits and pieces grow into something that makes you happy :)

Jessica Kirkland said...

Hey Charity, thanks for reading. And I think you hit the nail on the head-- how we "talk to ourselves." I was just telling my friend about my negative self-talk earlier. How I can defeat myself before my feet even hit the floor in the morning.

I have been abusing myself. It sounds so awful...and it is.

Thanks for the encouraging words girl!

Karen Barnes Jordan said...

You KNOW what I think, right? Don't you dare believe that negative self-talk! Keep writing!!!!!

Will Ramirez said...

Wow, I'm not the only one who feels this way sometimes? Thanks for sharing this Jessica :) It really encouraged me to keep on writing!

Angela Mackey said...

Amen Sister. I fight the same thing...FYI so do authors who have made it...Anyway, thanks for sharing. Miss you.

Cristina Olvera said...

You are absolutely awesome! This is exactly what I needed to hear so thank you bunches!