It always amazes me how I can miss the work of God in my life. Even when I search daily for His presence, His activity, and His purpose, sometimes, I just miss it. It stares boldly back at me in black and white, yet I can't receive it for all the worry and spinning and toiling. I often stuff my mind full with questions about His movement.
The how's...the when's...the why's that sometimes never get answered.
In my pondering, God continues to lead me to Gideon.
See, Gideon was raw with honesty. When the angel of the Lord appeared to him and said, "The Lord is with you, O valiant warrior. Gideon said to him, "Oh my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about saying, "Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?"..."And the Lord looked at him and said, "Go in this your strength and deliver Israel from the hand of Midian. Have I not sent you?" Judges 6:12,13a, & 14
Don't you just love his humanity? It's not that he didn't believe in the Lord. He knew the miracle stories passed to him, generation to generation. But, Gideon didn't believe in Gideon. And God is like: Gideon, I've got you. This is G-O-D you are talking to.
And Gideon continues to doubt the call of God on his life...
"And he said to Him, "O Lord, how shall I deliver Israel? Behold, my family is the least in Manasseh and I am the youngest in my father's house." verse 15
Later on, Gideon is still not convinced. He asks God, "If Thou wilt deliver Israel through me, as Thou has spoken, behold I will put a fleece of wool on the threshing floor. If there is dew on the fleece only, and it is dry on all the ground, then I will know that Thou wilt deliver Israel through me, as Thou has spoken." And it was so. When he arose early the next morning and squeezed the fleece, he drained the dew from the fleece, a bowl full of water."
And still Gideon doubted.
You know why I love Gideon so much?
I make up rules. I complicate God's free gift of grace and love. I am blinded by the rules of man, the workings of our culture, the hierarchy of our society.
Yet, through every doubt and burning question I so desperately want God to use me, but I question if I'm enough. If God can be enough in me. I know the stories. Don't we all know that our God parted seas, raised the dead, and turned water into wine? Yet, sometimes it's easier for us to believe in those big miracles than to believe that God wants us. That He might choose to take our foolishness and our biggest failures in life and make them living examples of the radical love and saving grace of Christ Jesus.
Sometimes I can't see what's right in front of my face. That Christ is enough. That my fleece is full already. An entire bowl full of mercy. That He only needs my willingness. He only needs my "yes." And when you can believe that Christ only needs your yes, you'll see your bowl overflowing. You'll see life in an entirely new light.