Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Captivity

I have to give it up. I scrawled it on paper and placed it on the altar. I wrote it big and bold across my paper at She Speaks this past weekend. I threw it on the altar. I threw away it's hold on my mind and my body. I have been in captivity to:

FOOD
I know you are wondering how a girl that is allergic to so much would need to give up what she already can't eat. Maybe this will help you understand why:
ENTITLEMENT
See, a battle has been raging within me for three years. Since the day I kissed gluten and all my favorite pasta's and pizza's goodbye, I've been fighting a war of entitlement.  I wanted to throw every loaf of bread up against the wall on the bread aisle but I didn't because I didn't want to be put behind bars :).  But, from that day forward, the bars went up anyway. I became a captive to entitlement.
"Well, if I can't have pizza, then I will..."
...eat the entire box of gluten free m&m cookies - cause I can. And if I can't have a sandwich, then I will just eat the entire gluten free pizza that I was so blessed to find at Whole Foods bless you Whole Foods- cause I can. And if I can't eat what everyone else is having, then I'll just eat twice as much - cause I can. And here I sit- 15 pounds heavier than what is healthy for my height, constantly beating myself up, and chronically ignoring the sweet whisper of God to just...  
Let. It Go. 
A few weeks ago, I was in beat yourself up mode because I had blown it-again. I began to pray and confess that I don't have what it takes to eat right. As plain as if God was next to me, this sentence was whispered into my mind: 
"I want you to give up food, so I can give it back to you."
And I stopped cold. I'd been in a grudge match, white knuckles and all, over it from the very first day I was told that I either give up gluten or be sick for the rest of my life. I didn't want to be sick anymore.  But, when God spoke that sentence to my heart the other day; I realized something profound. The first hour I gave up all my favorite foods, I set food up on a throne. I made food an idol. Isn't that twisted?That I could give something up and place it on a throne all at the same time?  Sometimes, when we don't willingly give things up, they easily become idols. We want what we can't have. At that moment in time - I decided that I was owed those foods. I became an idolater.
I became devoted to food. 
I am not owed those foods. I am not owed blessings. I am not owed breath or life. I am not owed happiness or freedom. And I am not owed a skinny dress size. 
But, God...
He wants to give us good things. He not only wants us to be healed of our diseases, but to have lasting peace, happiness, and freedom. He pours grace all over us. It washes away our sins, our obsessions, and continually points us back to Him. He's stronger than any addiction or entitlement alike. He is El - the strong one. The exact name my name was placed on at She Speaks. Oh, how I need to stand on His name! To count on Him to be exactly who He is...
Strong, Mighty, & Powerful
So, today, I ask you?  What is God gently asking you to surrender? I know it's so hard, but God is teaching me that when I am obedient in surrendering what He has asked me to, He gives me more of Himself. When I have more of Him, I have more freedom, more healing, and more peace.

Who is the King of glory? The LORD, strong and mighty, the LORD, invincible in battle." Psalm 24:8  

16 comments:

jennis4luvlies said...

I just wanted to share that after years of research my sister has discovered that she has adrenal fatigue syndrome (she believed was caused by too much flouride in her childhood) and has desperately searched to find what will make her life tolerable. As a homeschooling mother of three she just had NO energy to do what she needed to do. Over time she cut out gluten AND dairy AND wheat! She has embraced this as a journey and now cooks passionately for herself and her family. She has improved her energy and actually lost weight, and is now under her HS weight at this time (but we were never small people at all, lol). Anyway...I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and perhaps your restrictions could be a blessing? Especially for your beautiful children, by not "polluting" their system with gluten and over processed foods? My sis also uses the "Paleo" diet for her family, which the kids do enjoy. She and I have a dream of living close together to share a big garden and maybe some animals. It is how God intended for us to live afterall, even though it's not "convenient" in our fast-paced world. Keep your head up and remember you can do all things through Christ! God Bless, Jenni S. www.jennisquest.blogspot.com

Krista said...

Love it. Can't believe how God spoke to so many of us through the prayer room. :)

Shannon said...

Jessie, the honesty here is so real and raw. I too have bowed my heart to the idol of food. I join with you in surrendering this to God's love because I know only He satisfies.

Jen said...

As someone that is a recovering food addict, I can completely relate to this post. I used food to fill holes in my heart -- fear that there would never be enough love for me, fear that I would be without, fear that I would never feel that satisfaction and security. I fed all of this with food instead of Jesus.

Would you link this up at Soli Deo Gloria? I think the girls would be blessed:

http://findingheaventoday.blogspot.com/2011/07/so-full-soli-deo-gloria.html

Valerie @ My-2-cents said...

I am a new fan from VoiceBoks. This is a great post. I have been doing a lot of this recently too.

My-2-Cents

Kristy K said...

Sooooo good Jess!!! I don't have food allergies, but I have some of the same food issues.... when things don't go my way, I feel entitled to eat the food that I want. I laid it at the cross on Saturday and have been praying my way through this. It's tough, I'll be honest, but I know it's one more step closer to who God wants me to be.

Thank you for sharing!

Carol said...

Beautiful! And challenging. Thank you for sharing your heart.

pinkdaisyjane said...

Thank you for your transparency!! xoxo

Janie said...

It felt as if God was talking to me through this post...There are so many things that I feel I need to surrender.
Nice catching up via vB.

Amy Sullivan said...

Jessie,
Clicked over from the link-up. Always late to the party!

First off, love that you have Coldplay playing...so good.

Next, what a spin on this topic, very real, and a great question for us. What are we called to surrender? Right now, I'm in control mode. So many things are flying around in our world and on our calendar so I try to control, I try to fix.

Olivia said...

Aloha, Jessie!!! Just popping over from Voiceboks to check out your blog... and WOW.... It's lovely! What a great header you have, too. Did you design this yourself? Looks great!!! Hope you're having a great week...... and the weekend is right around the corner... Yipppeeeee! :) http://www.OliviaBlueMusic.com/

Jessica Kirkland said...

Thank you everyone for all the sweet comments. I had everyone an individual comment typed out and blogger did something funky and there they went! @jennis- Yes, I have adrenal fatigue - it's a tricky thing to fix- takes time and lots of dedication taking vitamins and eating right. I am much better than I was 3 years ago though. What is the Paleo diet - I've never heard of that?

I have been doing good on my diet since She Speaks. Yesterday I felt starved all day, but bet it was just yeast die off. So, pray that I can just push through all the feelings of "need" and rely on God.

Thank ya'll for sharing your heart and struggles. Each of you are prayed for as of right now.

Gifts By Katherine said...

Wow, what a post. You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. Have a great weekend. Big hugs from your VB friend.

Angie said...

Jessica, it's like you and I have been walking down the same road. You know my story. I have given up so many foods that there are only about 10 that I do eat anymore. And yet, there is FREEDOM in my commitment to obey God and submit to his will, esp. with food. I have freedom from the horrible pain that I used to feel. I have freedom that I am not in bondage to food like I was. I am free to love Jesus with all of my heart, and not just half of my heart- the half that is leftover from all of the foods that I love. I don't know if I'm making sense, but I can so relate to your pain. THank you for encouraging me to continue to submit to his will!

Jessica Kirkland said...

Thanks for stopping by Katherine - I promise to get a hang of this VB thing. It's a new world in there. LOL

Angie - Yes- we are sweet gluten free sisters in Christ. Thank you for reading. It's funny how those rights and entitlement sneak in even when we are denying ourselves or having to. Love you girl. Honored to share even a portion of a weekend with you. Can you imagine what Heaven's gonna be like?

Janesara said...

Wow -- I'm on that page with you! I've spent most of my adult life on some kind of diet or food restriction. The year in Honduras on the yeast-free diet was the worst, since very little that I was allowed was actually available. That one year, I lost interest in food and too much weight -- for the first time really skinny since I was a kid. For almost a year now it has been gluten, and I've been saying it is a good thing, since it makes me pass on so many deserts. (I have to admit, the orange with Hershey's chocolate sauce was no substitute for cheesecake at the ACFW Gala dinner.) Thank you for hitting me squarely between the eyes with reality. How easily we make idols!