Tonight, I would like to introduce to you a very dear friend of mine, Angela Mackey. If you ever struggle to make sense of the ups and downs of life, then you have found a friend in my friend Angela. I hope you enjoy her heart tonight in this post as much as I did. She's authentic and real and has abundant love for us moms especially.
How to Gain from Loss
by Angela Mackey
Some questions do not have simple answers.
I had to ask her again. My brain didn’t absorb her question the first time. When I realized what she asked, I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me.
She doesn’t know. Sometimes I forget my wounds are not perceptible with human eyes.
I imagined I would overcome and the wounds would heal, be part of my past. Instead the wounds still hurt even as I turn the page.
She just wanted to know if I hoped to have a fourth child.
How do I tell her I have 22 babies in heaven?
I am unable to bear children on my own - that my last embryo transfer failed and I long for more children?
Only a miracle could bring me more - in my womb or on my doorstep.
The wound of longing lingers and stings and burns. It frames my life - my life before infertility and my life after infertility. Life after is much different than life before. In many ways it is harder and darker, but it is also infinitely richer.
I felt God’s presence with me in the darkness. I know He is good all the time instead of being told He is good all the time. I know His comfort and peace through the confusing and difficult questions of life. My faith is stronger, my joy more sure, my hope found in Him.
Jesus talked about this dying to self and allowing the dark times to matter. He said,“Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” John 12:24
Just as a seed remains a seed, unless it is buried and dies to what it knows, we will not grow in Him or produce fruit for Him without dying to ourselves.
We all experience dark times - times that test and try and stretch our faith. Times when we learn to die to ourselves so we can live for Christ. Weeks, months, years that seem like one difficult situation after another. We can choose how those dark times shape us. Will they bring us closer to God or will they shatter our faith? What will you choose?
Have you gained something from walking through dark times with God? Join in and share.
Angela Mackey lives in the Arkansas River Valley with her husband and three children. She desires to honor God in all she does and says. She writes about faith, learning to let God’s word transform your thinking, parenting, infertility, and anything else that comes to mind. You can connect with her on her blog at www.rethinkingmythinking.com. She is also on twitter @Rethinkingme and on facebook at www.facebook.com/RethinkingMyThinking.