Saturday, March 26, 2011

The baby that wasn't and China

Baby A says that God has been talking to her.  She really wants a baby sister.
  I wish I could give her 1. 
This has been a month of thinking about the baby that wasn't. Most of you that visit my blog probably don't know that I was pregnant with quadruplets for the first 14 weeks of my pregnancy.  At the first ultrasound, I was pregnant with triplets and a fluid sac.  Then, on the second trip (to hear heartbeats), well, there were four babies instead of three.  The "fluid sac" was a baby.  But, I guess something was wrong because at 14 weeks, he/she was gone.  And I haven't ever really let myself really feel that loss.  I think it felt selfish to grieve for the baby that wasn't because I had three other babies still living inside of me. 
It's grief delayed.  
Maybe because baby A asks for something I can't give her.
Maybe because in watching my kids live, I can't help but wonder what Baby D would have been.
Was it a girl or a boy?
Would she/he have looked like baby A? Baby B? Baby C? 
Would they be funny like C?
Caring like B?
Silly like A?

 And since reading the book Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His trip to Heaven and back by Todd Burpo, my mind has been thinking heavily on my baby that wasn't.  
You should read this book if you haven't.  
It's truly faith affirming
And if you've ever had a will bring you renewed hope concerning your loss. 
Then, there's Baby A...
She told me that God has been talking to her.
I said, "Well, what did He say?"  
"That He's going to get me a baby sister from China."
Well, it's not the craziest thing in the world if you remember my post HERE.
Or that far fetched if you know that adopting from Asia has always been in my heart.
However, it would definitely be G-O-D to orchestrate such a gift (not that He isn't always in charge of such things).    
The boys have offered their name choices: 
 Buzz picked: Sally
Woody (hoping for boy/girl twins) picked: Harry and Samantha
And Jessie...
...doesn't care as long as she is the one that gets to take care of them.


RR Mama said...

Praying for God to ease your pain and bring you comfort. And I have heard of this book. A friend read it over Spring Break and is loaning it to me. I can't wait to read it.

Jessica Kirkland said...

Thanks girly. I read it in 2 hours. It is a great witnessing tool. I love how the parent's didn't lead the little boy's story - they just let it happen. You'll see what I'm talking about when you read the book - there's a piece about the boy's mom and her miscarriage. Very touching.

5b2523e8-3bdd-11e0-b2ca-000bcdcb8a73 said...

Jess, ur kids are marvelous and that's just by looking at them. Many blessins to you all, and d Lord Himself fulfill every dream u have!

Warren Baldwin said...

Sorry about baby 4. This boy's (from the book Heaven is for Real) live 2 blocks from me. I got to visit with the boy, his parents, grandparents, and cousins over Thanksgiving. And got to watch him sign a copy of the book. (And I gave them a copy of my book on Proverbs). It was pretty neat. Hearing the dad talk in person added a whole new dimension to the book. If I hadn't believed the story before, I certainly did after visiting with the family personally. You can see the sincerity in their eyes. Good book, good story.

Jessica Kirkland said...

@ Warren - Thank you. That is so neat. You can tell them I blogged about his book. I really enjoyed it. My mom and I both read it in about 2 hours. When I heard he didn't die and go to heaven I was confused, but after reading the book I just don't think a child could have ever known those things without truly going. It is an amazing story. I am going to get my grandmother to read it. I think it's a great witnessing tool too.

Angela Mackey said...


My L has been asking about her "twin" who died sometime around 8 weeks or so. I like to think of that baby as a boy since E told me she was having a brother and sister (we didn't tell her we were having two) and when we found out one of the babies died E told me she was having a sister. God does tell our little ones things. I often think of that little boy and the other embryos that were in a dish, but not in my womb or in my womb, but not in my arms. I trust in a God who is able to care for them as well. Thanks for being honest sweet girl!

lisasmith said...


Your story is amazing! I can't wait until next week!!!