I struggle with it.
I loathe it.
I despise the way it makes me feel.
I am weary of it's burden on my heart.
I even hate the way it makes me act when I have allowed it to have a foothold in my mind.
Maybe it's partially my personality or my inability to sit still in life. I have never been decisive and this year's list of New Year's Resolutions leaves my mind fluttering with just how I will accomplish my goals. I've got plans. I've got dreams; spiritual, personal, and educational dreams. Notice the common denominator there is the "I" word. But, "I" has a family to think about. "I" has the God factor to consider as well. "I" can make resolutions until I'm blue in the face and it will only get me so far. Any time I begin to make "plans" I remember what Proverbs 16:9 says:
"Man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."
But, then confusion always begins it's work. How far am I suppose to plan? Is the Lord working with me? Am I going the right direction? What about that last time when I failed and I seriously thought I was on the right path then? Maybe I should just freeze. Freezing feels safe sometimes. Sometimes we are suppose to freeze. Sometimes freezing saves our lives and sometimes it takes our lives.
Some readily attainable, others that live under the prayer "if it's your will, Lord." It's the ones that fall into that category that give me the most trouble. These "goals" depend only a little on me and a lot on God's will, His grace, His provision, and divine appointment. These are the resolutions that often breed my foes Confusion, Fear, and Doubt. Who wants to be the "doubting Thomas" of their own life? Shouldn't I at least believe my New Year's resolutions can be accomplished even as I write them down. I mean if I struggle to believe them on January 1st I can only imagine what those mustard seeds will look like by 2011. Maybe I should not try to imagine. And just as I pulled up my computer tonight to put all my frustrations down to a post, my friend Karen had this story published. Go ahead and check it out. I will wait.
I can empathize with the squirrel in her story. Have you ever watched a squirrel as you sped towards it on the highway? Left, right, forward, back darting back and forth unsure of which way to run towards safety. I've witnessed many miracles driving over those things, waiting to feel the bump only to look in the rear view mirror to realize that the lucky little thing made it! Resilient little squirrels, fiercely escaping death and more specifically the pain of my speeding tires
I've also killed a few. Their indecision just got the best of them. And I screamed in horror as I felt the bump and the pain of their imminent demise. Poor squirrels. Some live and some die. Confusion tells me that my goals will end up roadkill. Confusion sends my brain into overload and absorbs all my mental energy. Confusion strategically can keep me from moving forward.
I don't know all the answers. But, I do know that Confusion is not from the Lord. Jesus is the Prince of Peace. And this New Year's, all pending decisions aside, I will re-plant my mustard seeds once again. I will pray over them and wait for God to grow something beautiful.
For more inspiration from my friend Karen you can check out one of her personal blogs here.