Thursday, May 7, 2009

Demoralized

Demoralize:
–verb 1. to deprive (a person or persons) of spirit, courage, discipline, etc.; destroy the morale of: The continuous barrage demoralized the infantry.

2. to throw (a person) into disorder or confusion; bewilder: We were so demoralized by that one wrong turn that we were lost for hours.

I've not been feeling very "blog happy" lately. I think I can accurately say that I am feeling "demoralized." Yes, back to my good friend Nehemiah. I love Nehemiah's story. He was like the little engine that could. He thought he could, and no matter what, he DID! It's such a victorious story about overcoming adversity. I think I like his story so much because I feel so far from that kind of success in a way. From this point on, my post will probably feel a bit like someone hit the repeat button- you've heard it all before. But, oh well...It's my blog and I'll repeat if I want to.

I have been so sick for so long. I am tired. And today I feel totally demoralized by Satan himself. The funny thing is that I recognize the attack, but I still feel caught in the trap. I've waited so long for someone - anyone- to come along and give me the "why" to all my sickness. And by God's grace alone, I have the why or several why's actually.

1) Endometriosis
2) Allergy to wheat

I am elated by the findings, but my mind is still in the gutter. Six years of illness has made me so mentally weak. Each morning I wake up and start "preparing" to be sick, to accommodate that little monster. And now I have answers, long awaited answers to years of prayer. I should be on cloud nine, I should be skipping somewhere, but I feel so grounded. I have forgotten what "normal" feels like. And although my week has probably been the best week, physically, that I have had since high school I don't know how to mentally be a healthy person. I am still mapping out restrooms and feeling totally trapped by things like traffic and meetings and obligation in general. Tonight, I feel totally demoralized by Satan himself. Tonight, I feel bogged down by thoughts of "kidney cysts" and the fact that left untreated, wheat allergies can lead to malignancies. I feel mad at myself that I have had pain on my right side for 3 years that several doctors said was "probably nothing." And I am sure you are saying, doesn't this girl read her own blog? Pull yourself together child, Nehemiah's story ends in victory! Where are your darn mustard seeds, woman?!?!?! And I totally agree with you...

Tonight, I am weak. Tonight, I want to believe that my healing is here, but I feel demoralized. Tonight, I feel deprived of spirit, courage, and morale. I feel thrown into confusion. I want my name and sickness to not ever be in the same sentence again. I guess I need prayer. So, tonight, me, my kidney, and my mind would appreciate your prayers.

Jessica

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Count me in!
I'll just pray now;-)
Dear Lord,
I pray that you lift Jessi up. Allow her to feel your spirit from her head to her toes. She doesn't deserve the devils attack lord, but she may be getting a taste. Please keep close and guide her right now through this tough time. Lord help her mind to get away from the past medical problems that she has been dealing w/for so long. Lord help her adapt in this situation like you have in so many other ways. Please give her the strength and courage to push through and to feel "normal". You are an awesome God and we thnak you!
AMEN
CJH

Anonymous said...

Dear Jessica,

As your friend where have I been? I know we live far a part but to know that you are/were sturggling. I'm sorry I haven't been there to listen. I've missed so much over the past few months or more. It seems like life just seems to take over and we forget to stop and make contact with the people we care about. May you know that I think of you every Sunday as I see the old picture of the tripplets in class. Yes, they are still on the board. I hit myself every time too because I forget to bring the class a more recent picture. How they have grown. =) Thinking of you always,

Kim