Sunday, April 5, 2009

Out of Control

The first weekend home with Laci and Seth had gone well. Parenthood with multiples wasn't going to kill us after all. But, throughout the weekend, my brain was on "explode mode." I was ready to feel normal again. But, I couldn't stop thinking about my heart. I was afraid of what I couldn't see. Now, we weren't a couple. We were a FAMILY and I had alot to lose if my body decided to quit functioning again. My fears were perpetuated by the lack of control I physically felt as my hormones did whatever the heck they wanted to do! I was on edge. I felt constantly revved up - even though I was physically exhausted. I was hot. I was cold. I was excited. I was afraid. I was anxious. I was relieved. I didn't feel like me and I didn't look like me. And of course, at the root of all these contradictions, was the fear that at any moment I would get sick again and die. I had a breathing device that measured the function/capacity of my lungs. I would smile to the visitors and then slip off to go breathe in my machine in the bedroom. I was constantly practicing my "deep breathing" techniques while I intently listenened for that "rattle." At night, even when the babies were sleeping, I was afraid to close my eyes. When anyone brought up my "scare" in the hospital, I would try to pretend it was no big deal, when actually I was hyperventilating on the inside. I had an appointment with a cardiologist to see if my heart problems had truly gone away or not and it wouldn't get here fast enough