Sunday, March 15, 2009

Why I write...

I decided to start this blog for several reasons. As my profile mentions, I want people to see that God really does care about every thought, feeling, circumstance, joy, and sadness each of you reading this have or are facing today. Life has wounded me in a lot of ways. I am not going to the trouble of recounting these hurts to talk about me (even though the story is obviously about my family and personal life).

I am telling it for you. Because lost within ALL those details lies a piece of the struggles all humans face; grief, fear, triumph, healing, sickness, loss, doubt, joy, and all all the muddled feelings that accompany our life circumstances.

I am telling it for my children- so they can hear my heart. After all, even those closest to me, do not know the private thoughts of my heart. I want my kids to know all of me, not the "me" that people think they know. I often label and mislabel others by how I think they feel and perceive the world. I am sure I have been mislabeled as well. Laci, Seth, and Leyton: This is for you. I lived it and you lived it with me (although you'll never have any knowledge of what you went through). You are miracles and I am proud to be your mommy.

I am telling it for my own processing. God's sovereignty is something I cannot put to paper - I don't even try because it is so much higher above my feeble mind that I just won't. When I was in the hospital, I heard about a woman on my floor who had AIDS. She was pregnant and sadly both her and her baby passed away a few weeks before I delivered. People checking in and checking out of the hospital - some left with sweet bundles wrapped in pink and blue. Others came in pregnant and left in grief and sadness. Why God? Why them? Why me? Why not me? Why? Why? Why? I can't answer that for myself and I cannot touch that "why" in your life. I cannot give answers to all the why's through this blog, but hopefully, you can find some encouragement and peace despite the "why" in your life.

I am telling my story for those who don't believe in anything I say. I stumbled across a blog the other day written by an Atheist. Again, another "why?" Why can he not see what I see? Christianity is personal to me. It's personal for me because through thick and thin, Jesus has been there for me. He has proved Himself to me. He didn't have to prove it, but He keeps doing it. For me to keep silent about these stories of divine intervention in my "details" would be tragic. So, because He's shown me so plainly that He cares about every miniscule detail - I will keep on writing these very long detailed stories. Thanks for following. I hope you see that God loves you and will meet you wherever you are today.