Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Paper Bag Anyone?

Around 6am my doctor finally arrived. "I heard you had a bad night?" she said in her usual pragmatic tone. So, I explained that all I wanted was some anti-anxiety medicine to help me relax - I knew the nurse couldn't magically fix my lungs and heart - but she could have helped out. She acknowledged that the nurse was young and should have done her job correctly. BUT, then she proceeded to give me a speech that left me needing a paper bag to breathe in. My doctor was kind, but realistic. She treated high risk women all day, everyday. No patient had an easy case and I know mine was nothing new to her - just new to me. It went something like this:

"Jessica, you are a very sick girl. What did you expect when you signed up for this? When you agreed to have this many children at once, you agreed to all the baggage that comes with that decision. The preterm labor, the complications for your babies, and complications for you - like heart failure. We are going to test you to see if this is a pregnancy-induced complication or if you have a more serious condition called cardiomyopathy that is just now showing up. I am sorry that you had a bad night, but many women do not live as a result of their choice to continue on with high risk pregnancies. We will just have to see how this turns out. I am sorry."

Paper bag please, anyone? So, my doctor had just told me that my decision to not abort my children could and very well may be the reason that I will not see tomorrow. Make that a big paper bag! I had nothing left at that point.

I cried.