Monday, February 16, 2009

Then One Day

Then one day soon after that close call we would receive some very sad news. During a routine sonogram, Dr. Adam could not find a heartbeat for one of the babies. Not the baby they predicted, but the baby they had termed the "healthiest" of the four. We were upset and confused. It was a bit of a shock. One day, it was alive and strong and then it was gone. It was too early to know if it was a boy or a girl, but it was our baby. He/she was supposed to be apart of our family. We were going to be a family of five now, and that number seemed to come up a bit short. I never really grieved for that little one while I was pregnant. I wouldn't let myself, afterall grieving when you are pregnant with three others seemed a bit selfish. Everytime I would start to be sad over the loss, I gave myself the "selfish" talk- that it was selfish to want four, when you are getting to have three. That some women do not get even one child.

But, even still, it was a scary time. We wondered what might happen to the other babies fighting for space and life inside of me. If we lost a healthy one, what would happen to the ones they had coined as "not as strong" as the others. What would happen when things got crowded in there? Would my body provide them with the nutrients they needed to be able to thrive after birth?

Today, we are very thankful for our thriving toddlers. We are a happy family of five. But, from time to time, I look around at Laci, Seth, and Leyton and wonder about the one that was not. Would it have had Robb's green eyes or Leyton's big cheesy grin? Would it have been silly like Laci or energetic like Seth? These will remain a mystery only known by the Father. Early on in my pregnancy, I had had a dream. In that dream I had just given birth to all four babies. I saw the faces of three babies in that dream, but the fourth was in this haze. I kept trying to see what it looked like, but could not. I had that dream long before I miscarried and for whatever reason, it is eerily significant to me now. I cannot help but feel like our family is not complete yet, maybe that tug on my heart is reserved for that special little one that is in God's hands now. Til' then I will enjoy the special gifts I have today.


Karen Jordan said...

I caught up on your story today. I'm SO glad you started this blog, not just for you and yours, but for us--your readers! We're blessed! Keep writing! kj

Shannon said...

I need another update!