Thursday, January 29, 2009

More Pieces, Bigger Puzzle

So, the birth control was in the trash again. A few days later, I was feeling much better. Three additional trips to the doctor all ended with the same results. "Try these pills; I promise THIS time they won't make you depressed." Each round, ended the same way-bathroom floor and bathroom trash. FINALLY, I realized that NONE of these 'medicines' were for me. The only reason I had even subjected myself to such treatment was because I was told that until my ovaries were fixed (birth control being the means to get them back on track) I might not be able to have children. It was a double blow. Not only did I feel horrible every time 'conventional' treatments were used, but by not consenting to this I could possibly not be a mom. It was crushing. When you grow up healthy, you never imagine that you will have trouble conceiving a child. I always dreamed of having four children, now I might not even have one? It was a difficult thing to process. In the meantime, I continued to pray for God to intervene in my situation. I seemed to be stuck in a position with no escape. Take the depressed. Don't take the family. In addition, my stomach was NOT right. I was sick daily. Some days I missed class because I was too sick to leave the bathroom. Despite the Endocrinology problems, it was hard to believe that my GI tests were negative. How could I possibly be this ill and have a negative test? The only time I heard similar stories were when people had undiscovered cancer. And then there was Robb. He wanted to be a dad. It seemed so unfair that my body, my problem would keep him from realizing that dream. I had a lot of guilt. I know it wasn't my fault I was sick, but we all know how women can be. We feel guilt even when we should not. And I felt guilt. So, I turned my thoughts toward adoption. I have always wanted to adopt a little girl from China. As a child, I used to ask my mom if they would please just adopt a child for me. Needless to say, they said no.