Saturday, January 24, 2009

In The Fog

The fog had settled in and it was magnificently disguised. I find that depression itself is an odd illness. It seems to be able to hide its' identity unlike any other illness that I have dealt with. When we are sick, we can usually point to our culprit with ease. Runny Nose = Cold. Vomit= Virus. Red Dots = Chicken Pox. For me, my depression began as a vague feeling of being disjointed. I could not put my finger on it, but I felt odd. About three months into our marriage, I was not happy. I am sure some people thought I was having a hard time adjusting to married life (and some would remark to indicate so later on). I knew differently, but I did not know enough. It began to feel like I left my body and some stranger had taken over. 'Where have I gone?' I would often wonder. Normal activities that I had enjoyed became check marks on a to do list. Life became very puzzling to me and did not feel like any life I had lived up to that point. I felt like my personality had been erased. I remember having this silent conversation in my mind, "This has to be worse than real insanity. Atleast insane people don't know their insane. They don't know that they have lost their mind, they just lose it. And what reason do I have to feel this way? There is no reason." I had a great life, but I was unable to enjoy it all of a sudden. Like a broken record, I contemplated and questioned this new me over and over and over again. I hated the new me that stole my identity. The new me made no sense. It was a total contradiction to the first 20 years of my life. I was laid back. I was happy and fun. I was social and loved to entertain. This person could get nothing done. This person could not keep her mind from racing out of control with fear. I despised this new me and the old me felt powerless to stop this brutal takeover.


K Whit said...

I like this very deep...I've had the same feelings especially this year but it's getting better.