Saturday, January 24, 2009

In The Darkness

I had now been a newlywed for approximately six months. At this point in time, I was simply trying to keep things together. I attended my husbands coaching events and smiled like every good wife would do, but inside I was in a million pieces. Confusion over my situation plagued me daily. 'What is wrong with me?' I constantly asked myself. I did not know. I just knew that something within me had gone very wrong and I did not know how to fix it. I had resolved that this must be a spiritual attack like nothing I had ever experienced. So, I prayed for deliverance. I prayed for healing. I prayed that God would do a miracle in my mind. I memorized scriptures on fear, hope, light, and God's love. I was starring in my own version of Survivor, but there was no cash prize waiting for me. I poured over my Bible. I was desperate. Weeks, turned to months and still I heard no answer. Where was God? I knew the verse: 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'. So, if He hadn't left me, then me must be mad at me. I needed Him to rescue me and pull me out of this pit! It seemed like a VERY inopportune time to give me the cold shoulder. So, I confessed. And confessed. And confessed some more. I confessed every sin from birth to adulthood and then confessed the ones that I might have left out. Still, I felt no different. Feeling forsaken, I sunk a little deeper into my nicely decorated pit. It was beginning to feel like I would be here for awhile.